I awoke early yesterday morning with intense feelings of anger. I wasn't angry at anyone or anything, I thought, but I was angry. I was angry that I had prayed for so long for another child, only to have what is almost appearing to have been a false pregnancy or one that didn't take beyond the earliest weeks. I was angry because it seemed like some sort of cruel tease. I was angry, because we wanted this child. I was angry because Ladybug would make the BEST big sister. I was just angry, but again I didn't think that it was directed anywhere. Then I realized exactly who I was angry with. I was angry with God.
It just so happens that I was reading Luke 8 Monday morning before my appointment, and verse 39 stuck with me.
“Go back to your home, and tell all that God has done for you..."It seems almost a sin to admit it, but I'm trying to be very honest about what I'm going through right now, because I think this is what God is commanding me to do. I was angry with God, and I told Him about it. There's not point in trying to hide it, because He already knows. Like a petulant child, I was telling the creator of all things that I was mad at Him. Just as when Ladybug tells me that she's mad at me, but I still love her the same, God still loves me. He loves me the same yesterday, today, and forever. He can never love me any more or any less.
I prayed. I read my Bible. I prayed some more. Then I realized that there were two roads to take. I could grab hold of my anger and let it lead me away from God. I felt the temptation to do just that immensely. I didn't want to do that though. I have seen first hand what happens to people when they can't let go of this type of anger with God over the perceived unfairness of their situations. It makes them small, miserable beings.
There was another choice though. There was another road to take. I could hand my anger over to God, beg forgiveness, and pray for strength and joy. When we believe that God is being unfair to us, it's a very good time to take stock in all the ways He has blessed us. That's what I did. I spent a good part of the day cuddling, laughing, playing, and even rough housing some with Ladybug. I snuggled with the dogs. I felt joy.
I imagine there are many people who can't quite understand how I can experience joy right now, but I don't see how I can't. Our time here on earth is too short to dwell on what we don't have or what has been taken away. I'm still sad, but I'm also so filled with the joy of the Spirit that I know I'm going to make it.
I think it was very fortuitous that our Tuesday Morning Bible Study just finished a four-week study of Beth Moore's "He Is." Every week spoke to me and is still speaking to me now. One of the most important points I remember is that there is nothing that anyone, including me, is going through that hasn't been experienced or will be experienced by other Believers.
Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 1 Peter 5:9
Another thing we learned was that Psalm 118 is the song they sing after finishing the meal of the Passover. Psalm 118:24 states,
This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.Do you realize that Jesus said that and meant it as the Last Supper was finishing, just before he went to the garden to be betrayed, knowing full well the cross was in his immediate future? To rejoice, knowing what was ahead of him... Could you have done it? Each and every day I write that verse in my prayer journal. I wrote it Sunday. I wrote it Monday. After everything, I wrote it yesterday and today, because it is true, just as "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8), because it still remains true. This IS the day the Lord has made. I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.