Choices To Be Made, Roads To Travel

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

I awoke early yesterday morning with intense feelings of anger.  I wasn't angry at anyone or anything, I thought, but I was angry.  I was angry that I had prayed for so long for another child, only to have what is almost appearing to have been a false pregnancy or one that didn't take beyond the earliest weeks.  I was angry because it seemed like some sort of cruel tease.  I was angry, because we wanted this child.  I was angry because Ladybug would make the BEST big sister.  I was just angry, but again I didn't think that it was directed anywhere.  Then I realized exactly who I was angry with.  I was angry with God.

It just so happens that I was reading Luke 8 Monday morning before my appointment, and verse 39 stuck with me.
“Go back to your home, and tell all that God has done for you..."
It seems almost a sin to  admit it, but I'm trying to be very honest about what I'm going through right now, because I think this is what God is commanding me to do.  I was angry with God, and I told Him about it.  There's not point in trying to hide it, because He already knows.  Like a petulant child, I was telling the creator of all things that I was mad at Him.  Just as when Ladybug tells me that she's mad at me, but I still love her the same, God still loves me.  He loves me the same yesterday, today, and forever.  He can never love me any more or any less.

I prayed.  I read my Bible. I prayed some more.  Then I realized that there were two roads to take.  I could grab hold of my anger and let it lead me away from God.  I felt the temptation to do just that immensely.  I didn't want to do that though.  I have seen first hand what happens to people when they can't let go of this type of anger with God over the perceived unfairness of their situations.  It makes them small, miserable beings.

There was another choice though.  There was another road to take.  I could hand my anger over to God, beg forgiveness, and pray for strength and joy.  When we believe that God is being unfair to us, it's a very good time to take stock in all the ways He has blessed us.  That's what I did.  I spent a good part of the day cuddling, laughing, playing, and even rough housing some with Ladybug.  I snuggled with the dogs.  I felt joy.

I imagine there are many people who can't quite understand how I can experience joy right now, but I don't see how I can't.  Our time here on earth is too short to dwell on what we don't have or what has been taken away.  I'm still sad, but I'm also so filled with the joy of the Spirit that I know I'm going to make it.

I think it was very fortuitous that our Tuesday Morning Bible Study just finished a four-week study of Beth Moore's "He Is."  Every week spoke to me and is still speaking to me now.  One of the most important points I remember is that there is nothing that anyone, including me, is going through that hasn't been experienced or will be experienced by other Believers.
Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 1 Peter 5:9

Another thing we learned was that Psalm 118 is the song they sing after finishing the meal of the Passover.  Psalm 118:24  states,
This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.
Do you realize that Jesus said that and meant it as the Last Supper was finishing, just before he went to the garden to be betrayed, knowing full well the cross was in his immediate future?   To rejoice, knowing what was ahead of him...  Could you have done it?  Each and every day I write that verse in my prayer journal.  I wrote it Sunday.  I wrote it Monday.  After everything, I wrote it yesterday and today, because it is true, just as "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8), because it still remains true.  This IS the day the Lord has made.  I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

Why We Shared So Early

Monday, April 27, 2015

About a month ago, Bart and I shared a picture on Instagram and Facebook of Ladybug wearing a shirt that read, "This Is What An Awesome Sister Looks Like."  It was our announcement to the world that another Gilbreath was coming in November.  We were all thrilled, even Ladybug.  At first we weren't sure if we wanted to make it public, because it was so early, and we know from previous experience that things happen, especially in the first trimester.  We chose to announce it anyway though, for a grand number of reasons.  Even though we today we received news that there won't be a baby come November, after discussing it, we're still glad that we did it.

The first reason we shared that we were expecting was because Ladybug is a very perceptive and smart three-year-old.  There was no keeping the secret from her.  Any way you turn this thing around, she would have picked up on something.  Since we had to tell her, we had to tell everyone, because Ladybug is not a child who can keep a secret.  Seriously, don't take her Christmas shopping, she will tell the person you're buying for exactly what you've bought down to the tiniest details.

The second reason we chose to make it public is because we both believe that prayers are more important than privacy.  I still believe that.  I don't believe in the power of positive thinking, but I know just exactly how powerful prayer is.

Lastly, there is this common-held belief that you shouldn't say anything until at least the second trimester, just in case.  Then you can suffer your miscarriage alone in silence.  Sister, brother, I have experienced that in the past.  I don't know if there's anything more hurtful than having people assume that you don't want kids and say so to your face after a miscarriage that they weren't aware of.

Mostly though, we weren't made to weather our storms alone.  We were made to fellowship and minister to each other.  As I mentioned earlier, I believe in prayer - through the good and and bad.  Therefore, we must also open up and make ourselves available to be ministered to.

I will not say that I am not saddened by the news we received today, but I am so very grateful for a Savior who loves me and carries me when I can't walk, a husband who loves and supports me, a beautiful child who makes me laugh and smile through every tear, a doctor who is beyond supportive and compassionate, and friends and family who love us all.  Believe it or not, all is well with my soul.  Oh, and please, please, PLEASE don't stop sharing your baby news and pictures with me!  They don't hurt me a bit, because each is a blessing.  We have dear friends having a baby probably this week, we should get to meet our newest nephew finally this week, and friends from church have just had a baby.  I believe they are all blessings, and I don't begrudge one a bit.  Don't tip-toe around us.  God has us in His hands.  We won't break.

  1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
    When sorrows like sea billows roll;
    Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
    It is well, it is well with my soul.
    • It is well with my soul,
      It is well, it is well with my soul.

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