Last night I danced. As L took her bath last night, I plugged my phone into the dock in her room, and a song that just makes me happy played. So I danced around and sang with L as she splashed in the tub, and it felt refreshing. Dancing it out always feels good, even if you only have the energy to do it just a little while.
Dancing it out might not seem like a big deal to most, but you must understand that Monday afternoon I was in so much pain that I had to have Bart take me to the ER. I tried to wait it out, knowing full well just how painful miscarriages can be, but eventually it just got to the point where I couldn't. Ironically, almost as soon as I made it into the ER, the pains stopped. Thankfully, I haven't required any additional help medically with everything. Though I won't go into all the gory details, Monday was a very difficult day and took a huge toll on me physically. I was still exhausted when I went in for my follow up with my regular doctor yesterday afternoon. Being able and wanting to dance to "Then He Kissed Me" by The Crystals like Elizabeth Shue in Adventures In Babysitting was just awesome.
I wanted to share this, because miscarriage and child loss of any type are still basically taboos in our society. We don't talk about it. We don't want to talk about it, but that often leaves those of us who have experienced it feeling very alone. Often, as I've experience this time and during my first experience five years ago, people will privately share that they too have gone through the same. I'm thankful when they do share, but I don't believe it is something that needs to be kept private. There is no shame in pregnancy loss. This isn't Ye Olden Days when it was assumed the woman did something wrong or committed some heinous sin. You did nothing wrong. It happens far more often than most of us are publicly aware.
Sister, you are not alone. Did you understand that? YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It sucks. It hurts, physically and emotionally. It's okay to grieve, to be sad, to be angry, and to just feel lost. You might not know how you're going to survive this, but know that you aren't alone in this. You needn't hide away in shame and pretend it didn't happen. It happens to a great many of us.
Last night in bed, my background in Shakespeare came to mind. I thought about the St Crispin's Day Speech from Henry V. You know, the "Band of Brothers" one that gave way to the title of the book and miniseries about the 101st Airborne? There's this one part:
From this day to the ending of the world,Cut out the "happy few" part and change every "brother" to "sister" and "he" to "she," I think this works:
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
From this day to the ending of the world,But we in it shall be remembered-We few,After all, we are in a manner a Band of Sisters. Let's be open, honest, and lift up each other in prayer and encouragement. We'll all be healthier for it. Then, maybe we can all dance it out, because there is still so much to be thankful for and happy about. With time and support, we can take the strike out of the "we happy few," because I can assure you that "Weeping may endure for a night,
we happy few, we band of sisters;For she to-day that sheds her blood with meShall be my sister; be she ne’er so vile,
But joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5b)."