Technically my due date is a week from today, but I have scheduled cesareans, so today would most likely have been the day we met our little boy or girl face to face. Life would be so altered just from what it was yesterday, but it's not now. It's just not...
Almost all of the time, I am doing pretty great, but sometimes things do get to me. The first time it really hit me that we were nearing when I would have been due was when the Pottery Barn Christmas Catalog arrived. I don't have to order a new personalized stocking to hang with the others on our mantle. I have been lackadaisical in scheduling family pictures for Christmas cards. We had already planned on doing combination birth announcement/ Christmas cards this year. We don't often shop at Carters for Ladybug's clothes anymore, but most of her dresses still come from there. The first time I walked in for her fall dresses, I almost ran right back out. Oh, how I love those little onesies and sleepers with the pictures on the bottoms!
People all around me are having babies it seems, and I'm going to be honest about this. It makes me feel great! Seriously, I don't look at other babies with jealousy or get upset. Each one is a blessing. I know the joy of motherhood, and I honestly don't begrudge anyone that wonderful blessing. I can be happy and share others' joy and still miss the two babies I never really got to know.
A few weeks ago, Ladybug was learning about Joseph and his brothers in preschool. At dinner she mentioned how all of her friends at school have siblings, but she doesn't. Seriously, that broke both my heart and Bart's. It took a couple of months for her to stop asking about our baby all the time last spring, so we didn't choose that moment to reiterate to her that she has an older and younger sibling in Heaven. Maybe we should have, but it kind of caught us off guard. Instead we told her to that if she wanted a sibling that she should pray for one. That's what we do. We pray.
At this point in time, we're not in a place where we want to pursue fertility treatments or adoption. We don't feel called to either. Rather, we believe that if God wants us to have another child, we will in His perfect time. Like I read in "Fight Back With Joy" by Margaret Feinberg this fall, we ask "What If God?" However, we also surrender to, "But If Not." IF we only have Ladybug, we have been blessed more than enough. It has taken me a couple of years to get to a place to accept that, but here I am! Here I am. Somewhere in my mind though, I imagine my home with not only 3 and half year old Ladybug, but a five year old and a newborn, and my heart is full. I wonder who they would have been here on earth. I always wanted a houseful of children. I may only have one at home, but I have a heart-full of sweet babies.
"... You anoint my head with oil; my [brimming] cup runs over.Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and through the length of my days the house of the Lord [and His presence] shall be my dwelling place (Psalm 23 5b & 6 AMP)."
"For I know the plans I have for you” — this is the Lord’s declaration — “plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11 HCSB)."